a butt war to end all butt wars..

Let me just start out by saying, my BUTT IS SORE. But (no pun intended), you should see the other girl... cheeks so red you'd think you were stalled at a stop light. It started small... a friendly slap to the cheek.. just so the other person knows you're there, you know what I'm saying? But one thing led to another, and the next thing I knew we were both poised to attack, and we both meant business. I never knew I had it in me. You never do until you're face to face with the enemy. My body immediately went into the most protective stance possible, knees bent, back/butt facing a wall. It's like it was an instinct, something evolutionary, something innate, something found in most humans though most don't even realize it. Not until you're forced into it though. For most, they'll never have to use this instinct... "lucky them," I thought to myself after the first slap connected with my right cheek "aarrggg!" It stung.. it stung bad. Revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge. It's the only thing I could think of. I lusted after it, then BAM! The second slap hit me. I tried to maintain composure, though it took every ounce of self control not to fall on the ground and curl into the fetal position and weep. But I couldn't let her win. I couldn't let her get away with this... I had to find her weakness. Then, all of a sudden, without even thinking, it hit me. "Evolutionary instinct," I thought to myself. Every time she went to strike, she left her left cheek wide open, completely exposed. All I would have to do was expose myself.. tease her with an open cheek. Then.. right as she would take the bait and extend her slapping hand, I would dodge the blow, and with all my strength, give her exposed heiny a taste of her own medicine. So I struck. It worked like a charm. I could see that it hurt, it hurt her bad. She was weak; I had to attack now, before she regained her strength. I quickly turned my butt to her. Even in her weakened state, she couldn't resist. She clumsily went to swing. I barely moved in time, and missed the impact. If I didn't act quickly she would return to her protective stance. I swung and connected again. It was almost more than she could bare. And right before I delivered the blow that would finish her, something occurred to me. All those years playing video games had prepared me for this fight. All those times I sat in front of the TV, hour after hour. Meanwhile my parents, friends, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, acquaintances, strangers, told me I was wasting my time. They told me I was wasting my life away. They told me video games were good for nothing. Who's laughing now!? Little did they realize how much this practice, this training, would mean to me now when I needed it most. You see, every end boss seems like an invincible enemy. Invincible, that is, until you find their weakness. The thing about an end boss is that they have a very systematic way of attacking, and all you have to do is figure out when they're most exposed. And in that small moment, you attack. Once, twice, usually three times will do the trick. Well.. this was no different. On the third slap she had been defeated. Although broken, energy bar almost completely depleted of red life, I walked away the victor. So, I'll close by saying, don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for the guy/girl who's never had the opportunity to prove themselves. Life is a journey.

"Never give up, never surrender." - Jean Claude Van Damme.


  1. Joe wrote this.

  2. I love this. best post ever. i love joe. and i don't even know him.